When I was little, I saw older people as wise, having all the answers to life’s questions and problems. The older I get, the more I realize that most people don’t have the answers. Does anyone have it figured out?
I thought by this time in my life I would be “farther ahead” , whatever that means. Sometimes I feel as though I’m on a hamster wheel, going nowhere. I’m not sure what I expected my life to be by this point. I never was that kid in middle or high school who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up. I still don’t know. I changed majors more times than I care to admit. I happy enough in my career, but why do I always yearn for more? Is it ambition? Do I have unrealistic expectations? I just feel unfulfilled.
I have so many ideas and so many things I’d like to accomplish in life. I want to make a difference. I want my life to mean something. I recently sponsored a child from another country and while it’s given me a great sense of meaningfulness and generosity, I still feel a pull to do more.
Sometimes I wish we had more than one path we could take in life. It’s hard to fit it all into one lifetime. I’ve had many different jobs and experiences, which in a certain way I am grateful for, but in another, I wish I could just choose something and be happy. I always feel like I’m looking for more. Things are just temporarily satisfactory. It’s not material possessions, it’s more so to have a lifestyle in which I feel fulfilled. I want to have more time with family and my husband, more time to explore, more time outdoors, more time to rest. We all wish for things outside of our reach – that’s pretty normal. I just want to figure out how to be at peace with my life – enjoy the present and the journey to the future, not so focused on the future that I miss out on being happy in the the present.
For now, I’ll get back into meditation and writing in my gratitude journal. I’ll start here: Today I am grateful for the ability to take a walk after dinner in January with no more than a light sweater.
What are you grateful for?
Wild Violets 