Looking for Fulfillment

When I was little, I saw older people as wise, having all the answers to life’s questions and problems. The older I get, the more I realize that most people don’t have the answers. Does anyone have it figured out?

I thought by this time in my life I would be “farther ahead” , whatever that means. Sometimes I feel as though I’m on a hamster wheel, going nowhere. I’m not sure what I expected my life to be by this point. I never was that kid in middle or high school who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up. I still don’t know. I changed majors more times than I care to admit. I happy enough in my career, but why do I always yearn for more? Is it ambition? Do I have unrealistic expectations? I just feel unfulfilled.

I have so many ideas and so many things I’d like to accomplish in life. I want to make a difference. I want my life to mean something. I recently sponsored a child from another country and while it’s given me a great sense of meaningfulness and generosity, I still feel a pull to do more.

Sometimes I wish we had more than one path we could take in life. It’s hard to fit it all into one lifetime. I’ve had many different jobs and experiences, which in a certain way I am grateful for, but in another, I wish I could just choose something and be happy. I always feel like I’m looking for more. Things are just temporarily satisfactory. It’s not material possessions, it’s more so to have a lifestyle in which I feel fulfilled. I want to have more time with family and my husband, more time to explore, more time outdoors, more time to rest. We all wish for things outside of our reach – that’s pretty normal. I just want to figure out how to be at peace with my life – enjoy the present and the journey to the future, not so focused on the future that I miss out on being happy in the the present.

For now, I’ll get back into meditation and writing in my gratitude journal. I’ll start here: Today I am grateful for the ability to take a walk after dinner in January with no more than a light sweater.

What are you grateful for?

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Time

Days, weeks, and years seem to just fly by. This month is my husband’s and my tenth wedding anniversary! TEN! It’s flown by but at the same time, I feel like we’ve always been married. How is that possible?

We’ve been through so much in the last 13 years between college, career changes, raising a small human, and the list goes on. An unexpected challenge I was handed in this life is chronic illness. I’m so very grateful to have been feeling pretty well the last 6 months or so, but it’s always around this time of year that I’m reminded just how much my husband has been there for me through my battle with this disease. We were only married for about 10 months when I was diagnosed. We had no idea how it would change our lives.

I’ve gotten really ill a few times and every single time he’s stepped up to the plate and taken over my duties as well as continued his own. When I was too ill to get out of bed for weeks, he worked, took care of our daughter, cooked, cleaned, washed laundry, took care of the pets, and still was able to take care of me. I will never forget the unconditional love he has shown me over the years. He’s so patient when we have plans but I’m not feeling well enough to follow through. He’s never been upset that we were late because of my anxiety (which unfortunately, is common with this disease). He has stood by the vows we took almost ten years ago, not knowing just how much “in sickness and in health” would mean to our marriage.

I’ve been trying to decide what kind of meaningful gift I want to give him for our anniversary, and finally decided! I’ll spill the beans after I’ve given it to him. We have done a couple fun things this month and we have dinner plans on our anniversary. This one kinda snuck up on us. A few years ago we wanted to do something big for year ten – a trip maybe. This year we will just enjoy each other’s company and reminisce about our relationship. We have the rest of our lives to take a trip. ❤️

Joker

Just to be clear, there will be no spoilers in this post!

Last night we saw Joker which I was really looking forward to seeing. I’m not much of a movie person, but this one caught my eye. I’m a sucker for tragic, dark movies and this was just good as I was hoping.

After seeing it, I can understand the controversy surrounding this movie. The theater we visited had signs up prohibiting masks, face makeup, and costumes. Just seeing that sign made me uneasy, although I’m not sure that was the intention. This movie was dark, violent, and not one part of it made you feel good. It was tragic.

Joaquin Phoenix was phenomenal. The character development was impressive. The music has a way of provoking empathy, although it felt wrong to feel bad for him. The story had some unexpected turns and I felt it really highlighted Arthur’s mental illness.

I don’t agree with banning the movie’s release. I think mental illness paired with violence scares people but it’s important to show mental illness in such a raw, real way. Many, many people live with different forms of mental illness and there should be more awareness. Sometimes awareness comes through entertainment. People are afraid of what they don’t know and the more people are exposed to the different forms of mental illness, the better prepared we can be as a society to help those suffering – even if that exposure comes as a fictional but familiar character.

I loved it.

Hurricane Dorian

The biggest thing in the news as of late for Floridians is Hurricane Dorian. It is a very stressful time, even if you have lived here for years and have experienced many hurricanes. You know it’s coming but aren’t sure exactly when or even where it will make landfall. I saw a meme today that said waiting for a hurricane was like being stalked by a turtle… I giggled. It’s kinda true.

We are as prepared as we can be at this point. We have drinks, we have food, and we will freeze some filtered water in case we lose power which is to be expected. We know the drill. Everyone seems to be preparing a bit early this time with water selling out 5 days before the storm is supposed to hit. I assume stores will be getting at least one more delivery before we all hunker down. That being said, I think it’s a bit funny that everyone jumps on the water bandwagon. Do that many people even drink water on a regular basis? People seem to forget that you can also buy juice and sports drinks among other bottled drinks. Of course everyone should have water, but some people buy way more than they need which leaves the rest of us with very little or none. Maybe the newscasters should throw that idea out there.

Tomorrow we plan on preparing the house, cleaning up the yard, putting the chairs, hammock, and other things that can fly away with strong winds in the garage. We are also going to make some beef jerky! We started using our dehydrator again and realized that beef jerky is a great snack that won’t have to be refrigerated if we lose power. Last time we were without power for 5 days. It was rough, but we survived! The worst thing about being without electricity is trying to sleep at night – especially since I still had to go to work during the day.

At this point, all we can do is wait. It’s anxiety inducing, but I try to track the storm every few hours and not watch too much coverage on it because it can become overwhelming. We are planning to stay home and ride it out unless we are told to evacuate in which case we have a full tank of gas so we will be okay. I hope anyone who is in the path of Dorian heeds advice to be prepared with supplies and evacuate if necessary. Stay safe, friends.

Disrespect

I have a good working relationship with everyone at my current place of employment, working with several contractors, customers, and engineers. I am one of the only women which was uncomfortable for me at first. Not all men are inherently bad, but when you work in a male dominated industry, it can be a bit intimidating at times.

There’s one contractor in particular that is very nice and respectful – to my face, but not behind my back apparently. I received a text that wasn’t meant for me accidentally, but it was about me and I was referred to as an offensive term in Spanish.

When I received the text I was to meet with him in about an hour and I knew he figured out he had sent it to me and not his boss. I was nervous about the meeting but he acted no different. I haven’t said anything as of the time I’m writing this article. I want to say something but I don’t know how to word it. I want to tell my boss (who isn’t his boss) or his boss. I’m starting to think maybe this is how he and his boss talk about me when I’m not around.

It really upset me because I’ve been nothing but nice and accommodating, going out of my way to make things easier for them. I will not apologize for my sensitivity and I shouldn’t have to. Many people may say I need to ” toughen up” especially since I work with mostly men. No! It shouldn’t be up to me to not be so sensitive. People just need to respect one another. Maybe I shouldn’t work in a male dominated industry. I’m not the type to stand up for myself and that can be a problem when things like this happen.

I still haven’t decided how I’m going to handle this. My boss is on vacation until next week (of course). I want to just tell the guy that what he said is an inappropriate way to talk about me. What I’m struggling with is the fact that the text wasn’t meant for me to see. I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions??

Happy Valentine’s Day

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post. Life has been pretty much nonstop and when I do have some extra time, I’m just relaxing and spending time with my family.

Speaking of family, today is Valentine’s Day and I look forward to it every year just because it reminds me to tell the people in my life how much I appreciate them. No matter how you feel about the capitalist holiday, I encourage you to reach out to someone today just to tell them you are grateful for them. Being kind is contagious and it’s free! You could also pay it forward to a stranger. It always makes my day when someone shows me kindness I wasn’t expecting.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thursday, Valentine’s Day, Kindness Day, or whatever you choose to recognize it as. I appreciate you. XOXO

Changes

As I sit here writing this today, I am in quite a bit of pain. My joints hurt, my gut hurts, I just feel achy all over. My mornings have started out this way for the better part of a week and it’s getting old. I start a new job next Monday and I’m really nervous about my health.

I think the Thanksgiving holiday triggered the inflammation. I know better, but once a year I like to indulge and now I’m paying for it. Yesterday I started a diet of broth, bananas, rice, and applesauce. I hope by Monday I’m well enough to start without too much anxiety. I am so fatigued and can’t imagine working a full day feeling this way.

Blending all my food before consuming them has worked in the past. After about a week, I feel much better except I’m dying to eat solid foods again. I don’t think I’m sticking to the diet long enough because I eventually slip back into a state of pain and inflammation. I’ve read quite a bit about people healing themselves on a fruit diet, eating low fiber fruits and juicing. I may give it a try. What do I have to lose? The cravings and temptations of bad foods are the worst part of sticking to the diet. I love fruit and smoothies but sometimes I just want French fries or a piece of pizza, you know? Not to mention, I still cook for my family and obviously want to eat dinner with them ( I make some really good stuff 😉) but I can’t give in. I will just drink my blended banana with almond milk.

Here’s hoping I can heal enough this week to be ready to start work on Monday.

Enjoy the rest of your week! ❤️

In Sickness and In Health

This  Thursday, the 25th, was our nine year wedding anniversary. After we agreed to not buy one another gifts this year, Jarrod was so sweet and booked a hotel at the beach for us. We got married on the beach and it truly is our happy place. We often talk about buying a condo and just moving out there; we can dream, right?

I was so excited for our mini vacation, planning for my mom to pick up our daughter from school and keep her overnight. My sister came and fed our dogs. Everything was set.

A couple days prior, Jarrod started to feel like he was coming down with a cold, so he went to bed early hoping to feel better before our trip. The night before we left, our daughter had her chorus program at school, but he was so sick that he didn’t make it and went straight to bed after work- not even eating dinner. I asked him if he wanted to cancel the trip but he was adamant about going.

Wednesday morning, we got up and got our daughter off to school, packed our bags, and headed to our hotel. Jarrod wasn’t feeling great but he was excited and ready to begin our mid-week, two day trip. We got to our hotel but the room wasn’t ready, so we walked next door for lunch. We both ordered grouper sandwiches and they were really yummy! As we were finishing our meal, we received the call that our room was ready. Yay!

We checked in to our hotel and brought our stuff up, settling in for the next two days. We decided to head over a block to Bula, a kava and kombucha bar. We stayed for a while, chatting and people watching. After a while, we decided to head back to the room.  At this point, Jarrod started to feel sick and wanted to lie down for a bit. After a couple hours, he was ready to go to the pool or beach, my choice. I thought the pool would be better because it was close to our room. I could feel my anxiety kicking in. I really wanted to go to the beach, but our hotel was actually across the street and I was worried about not having bathroom access. We went to the pool for just a bit before the sun started to descend behind the building and the pool was shaded over. Jarrod really wanted to go to the beach and so did I, but my anxiety got the best of me and I told him I needed to go back to the room first.

We were in the room for at least 20 minutes. I wanted to leave but I was too nervous to walk over, not knowing where the nearest restroom was located. It didn’t matter if I needed to use it or not, the unknown is enough to send me into a full-blown panic attack. I used Google maps and looked at the surrounding area noticing a public beach access park about two blocks down. I knew there had to be a restroom there and sure enough, when I switched over to satellite view, I saw it. Now, I was ready to go.

We walked over to the beach and of course I had to check out the restroom, just to be sure it was open and working. Afterward, we walked down to the beach and had about 30 minutes before the sun set. Right as it was setting, Jarrod was feeling so ill that we had to go back to the room.

He ended up sleeping for a while and I ordered takeout from a nearby restaurant for our dinner. He only ate a few bites and went back to bed. He wanted to go back home that night, but it was getting late and I thought we should at least just stay the one night. We packed up first thing the next morning and came home. He was so worried about me being disappointed and promised to make it up to me, but honestly I wasn’t disappointed that he was sick. I was worried about him and just wanted him to feel well.

I was upset with myself. I hate that UC dictates my life. I think every decision I make comes back to thinking about how I feel, how I’m going to feel, where is the nearest restroom, can I eat now or should I wait, etc. It gets so old. So frustrating. If I had normal health, we could have at least enjoyed the one day we had out there. This condition makes it nearly impossible to do things quickly. Everything has to be planned and if it’s not, the anxiety takes over and I just can’t do it.

I am so grateful that Jarrod is so kind and understanding. He does so much research on the latest studies and finding related to UC. He buys supplements and vitamins for me. I truly could not ask for a better person to be by my side in this life. I was diagnosed 10 months after our wedding and he has stuck by me through the worst of it. I couldn’t imagine going through this alone. I’ve seen several posts in my support groups stating that one’s spouse has left them because this disease “is too much to deal with”. Life is tough and I’m so thankful that my husband has stood by his vow of “in sickness and in health.”

Jarrod still isn’t well, but he’s getting there. Maybe next week we will both be feeling well enough to go out to the beach for the day.

Rough Week

This week was a rough one for me. Monday I woke up in agonizing pain in my right lower abdomen. Typically my pain is on the left (in the descending colon) so pain on the right was a bit concerning. Jarrod thought it may be my appendix since it was in that general area. After about 20 minutes of paced breathing, chills, and dry heaving from pain, it subsided. I was sore for several hours afterward and the pain didn’t come back until Wednesday while we were out running errands. I started to feel it and in a panic, kept my eye on the restroom- just in case. Luckily, the pain didn’t get nearly as bad as it had on Monday and subsided in about 15-20 minutes. Today, I felt the pain again, about the same as Wednesday, but for longer periods of time. If it persists next week, I will consider making an appointment with my specialist, but it will probably be fine.

I wasn’t very productive this week. I only applied for one job, but I did get a call from a company I applied with several weeks ago. I’m waiting for her to return my call now so we will see what happens with that. Hopefully I will at least get an interview, but I’m not holding my breath.

I haven’t had a whole lot of energy lately which could be due to not sleeping consistently. I’ve just been resting a lot this week and I do feel a bit guilty about it. I finally cleaned the interior of my car and pull some weeds in the yard. I also cooked dinner every night and keep the house straightened up, but not much more than that. Since I’ve been home I try and have a list of projects to work on, but I just couldn’t get to any of them this week. Hopefully next week will be better. Starting tomorrow, I will be on a liquid diet for several days to see if it helps with the pain and energy levels. It normally does so fingers crossed!

Speaking of food, I made a couple of good meals this week. One of which was an “Egg Roll in a Bowl” dinner. Just cabbage, carrots, onion, garlic, ginger, sesame oil, soy sauce, and chicken – all cooked in one skillet. I served it with rice and it was a hit! Simple and delicious! We had plenty of leftovers since I used an entire head of cabbage so I brought my mom some for dinner too. She liked it even though she thought it was a bit spicy. I love versatile recipes. You can leave out the chicken for a vegan meal or replace it with another meat. You can add more veggies or leave some out. It’s totally up to you. If anyone is interested in measurements for this recipe, let me know and I will write it down when I make it again or try and remember about how much of everything I used. I don’t measure anything when I’m cooking (except when I make rice). It’s good because it allows me to be creative, but the downside is that it’s hard for me make the exact meal twice or to give someone else the recipe.

I will still cook for the family next week even though I will be eating blended foods so look for a new meal (I will write down the recipe this time) next week. Oh, and I think I will try to write new blog posts on Thursdays. It may change after I get a job depending on my schedule, but I will try to write at least one a week. Have a lovely weekend and I look forward to your comments! Xoxo

 

 

Feeling Optimistic

It’s Thursday night which means tomorrow is Friday. This week has really flown by! I’ve had a pretty productive week- today especially. I applied for two jobs, one of which they notified me that my application had been “looked at”. I guess that’s a good thing?? I have applied for so many jobs in the last two weeks and haven’t heard anything yet. It’s still early though.

Man, landing a good job isn’t that easy especially when my experience is scattered amongst many different fields. I don’t even have 5 years of employment in the science world yet. I like so many things, that’s the problem. I can see myself doing this or that so I just go for it. Why not? You only live once! Now, I’m thinking I would really love to get into a chemistry lab.

When I was an undergraduate, I had so many amazing classes! We went on trips, we tromped through the woods, caught invasive lizards, learned the different ways to measure trees and land…just so many interesting things that any outdoorsy person would love. I always pictured myself doing field work out in the woods or wetlands for a living. That was before I was diagnosed with UC. Now, I don’t think I can do field work. Most days, sure, it would probably be okay, but there would be too many days where I felt too weak to tromp through the forest or marshland. Not to mention the fact that not having a restroom nearby gives me a panic attack (seriously). It’s ok though. I have liked working in a lab setting and I think it’s a safe bet for me health-wise. Now, I just have to convince someone to give me a shot. 😉 I know if someone gave me a chance, they wouldn’t regret it. The last three jobs I’ve resigned from, they’ve asked me to reconsider. I know I’m a good employee, I just need an opportunity to show my worth. 🙂

Today I finished a sketch I’ve been working on here and there. I’m pretty happy with it. Mostly, I sketch to focus my attention on something other than the million things streaming through my head at any given moment. So far, it works. Between practicing yoga, sketching, and just having some time to myself at home, I’m really feeling so much better and pretty optimistic about things to come.